Idiots

idiots
Idiots – by: Ömer Tunç

Hi, name is Harold.

You might have noticed, I have kind of an odd set up here. Not usual to see a guy in Fremennik skeleton armour swinging from the magma-dripping maw of a rock dragon.

Let’s just say we have an arrangement.

She lets me call her Sara.

Whoa there big guy, why don’t we start this little parlay here by putting our giant sharp looking swords back in our little sheaths, shall we?

We can all be gentlemen, or lady, as the case may be, madam cleric, shan’t we?

That’s a bit better.

I wouldn’t suggest coming any closer either, ole Sara here is kind of the jealous type, and she’s been a bit picky with her food lately. Only likes stuff that fights back. So please, if you feel like doing a bit of swimming in Sara’s digestive tract by all means I would not want to be the one to stand, or swing, as the case may be, in your way.

So anywho, a rock dragon is a pretty unique thing in these lands I surmise. Maybe one day if you are lucky to walk away from this little encounter, you can make it up North. That’s where I found Sara, the Northland, just off the coast.

Raised her from an egg, I did. Isn’t that right baby? Just happened upon her one day. Well that’s not entirely true. I do a fair bit of treasure hunting and sometimes my hunts bring me to the bottom of the Deep Water.

Rescued her from a brood of dagannoth. Bloody disgusting creatures. Never less than a hundred in a nest at any one time. Kill the queen and you are good to go, but they will protect that sea bitch to the last of them.

You look shocked, Madam cleric. You have heard of dagannoth before? Or have your sensitivities been injuried? Oh well, either way, I don’t recommend any novice looking for treasure seek them out, but I’ve got certain abilities with manipulating elements, so really not much challenges me.

One element worth having control over is air. Need it to breathe. Even us nearly God-like creatures. It is never really an issue as long as I have the consumables and what kind of idiot would hunt without them? Consumables are usually easy to come by, for this spell you would just need a little milkweed and shark liver flakes and wham, you can breathe the oxygen out of water.

I’m no teacher though, so if you want exact measurements or a little instruction I could not recommend enough the art of reading. Try it some day. Pick up a book. It’s not difficult. Well maybe for mister loincloth there.

Don’t get mad big guy, I just call ’em as I see ’em.

So, back to our little situation, me and Sara here have a problem and we are kind of hoping you all can help us out.

You see, we aren’t really ones to appreciate being beat and we aren’t too good for a bit of back handedness – I’m getting ahead of myself here, let me back up – when we discovered the lore behind the Mountain Dwarves that carved out this place, we knew we would find a certain something worth killing for. So we came looking, but it seems you may have beaten us to it.

Oh, oh, oh, no use hiding it now. I’ve seen it haven’t I.

I know, I know it’s not fair and all that, but I’ll tell you what, we don’t much care about the coin or any of the other Dwarven crap that you might have dug out of there and dragged up here to the surface, what we want are the gems, specifically the diamonds, more specifically the large blue glowy one I can see in your sack right there.

So I can give you a bit of a choice. Sara here is hungry. And I have primed up a few new spells I’m itching to try. Not going to tell you which ones, no use ruining the surprise, but once I let a few of them loose it’s going to hurt a fair bit and I can promise the four of you aren’t going to be seeing home again unless you have a friend hiding about who can do a little resurrection magic.

Now I can see your little brains working it out. Let me help you with the math here. There is only one of me and a rock dragon. Maybe you are wondering how hard can it be take down a rock dragon. I mean, you look like the butchy type. You two got nice shiny armor and maybe enough of a connection with your God to make the fight last long enough to hurt really bad. Mr. Barbarian there already showed me the sharp edge on his weapon and the guy in the back there with the little glasses and the billowy robes can probably cast a spell or two, but let me get you to ask yourself one question: how many dark elves have you ever seen swinging from the glowing mouth of a dragon before?

***

Idiots.

Sara, can you fly on a full belly baby?.

 

 

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Author: Bryan Aiello

I call NYC home and wish the subway went everywhere and Times Square didn't suck. I saw John Turturro once. Maybe it was him. He was wearing a yellow shirt and smiled at me like he knew I knew. I am an Army vet who writes. I like characters who want more then they deserve. I like genre fiction. I love space. I love paladins. One day I might write a paladin in space story. Just you wait. The university of South Florida spit me out with a degree in creative writing and I find myself questioning the sanity of going to a school that advertises a fake beach on its brochure ever since. I intuit grammar. I Got married in 2012 We had twins in 2015. I do a lot of cooking and dog walking and ranting about the unfairness of sentience. You can follow me on Twitter: @bryaiello Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/user/BryanAiello My Subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/Voyage_of_Roadkill/ My Reddit profile: https://www.reddit.com/user/Voyage_of_Roadkill/ Like my work? Become a patron at: https://www.patreon.com/BryanAiello

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